“A good tennis match is where two players are alternating serves, not one player hitting five serves in a row.”

 

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ONE FINAL EXPOSING POST BEFORE I START A NEW GROWTH JOURNEY! 

“A good tennis match is where two players are alternating serves, not one player hitting five serves in a row.” My therapist said after telling me that I should no longer see him and go learn how to play tennis, I didn’t know what tennis has to do with my fucked-up relationship patterns until now.

All my life I have been stuck trying "to earn" love and affection in relationships, at first, I used to call the boys toxic and post Facebook memes about it, then I started calling myself toxic and punished myself hard for it, and finally, after 4-5 similar experiences, I had to find out what science has to offer.

Psychoanalysis provides few hypotheses: 1) I am an only child and grandchild who enjoyed being the center of attention of FOUR moms, so it kind of hurts my ego when I don’t get same attention from boys and it challenges me to prove that I’m worthy of it. 2) At a very young age, I had to earn my dad’s presence in my life, because the idea of being the daughter seemed “not enough” for him to stay involved so I crave attention from male-figures who in that sense looked a lot like my dad. 3) Growing up learning that it is easier to sign divorce papers than to fight dictated my subconscious to chase the wrong options and freak out from the good ones because failed marriages run in the family, I could never break this inherited cycle. I do not know which is more accurate, or if it could be mix of all -you know humans are complicated- 

While CBT suggests that I have negative thoughts of myself that leads to self-destructive behaviors, I believe that I am unworthy, I am not good enough, I MUST DO SOMETHING for people to accept me, or that deep down I am hungry for people’s validation which resonated with how I excel at work, how active I am on social media, how I go the extra-mile for my friends to stay in my life, all to get people clapping for me (this post included). Likewise, I should do all the work before a man decides on me. Even though, I try to tame my thoughts logically, I still resort to the same approach, I depend on external approvals, I know theoretically I deserve better, but I still struggle to process it, feel it, and believe it. Which is why I fall into the same old pattern and challenging this rooted negative belief of myself is hard while continuing to do the same thing. 

Therefore, I decided I will no longer spend nights beating myself up because I liked the wrong guy again but rather give myself credit for dealing with this attraction considering all the above because now I “know” I have grown into an aware, honest and self-accountable woman who is constantly trying to be a better version of herself. In the hope that this absolute fact about myself makes me “truly believe” that I am a woman who deserves one hell of a tennis match.