I am losing the fight each and everyday.

I am losing the fight each and everyday. Everyday I am told this is the last level and I fight day and night to win it, cuts, pain, bruises and wounds mark my body, every pore of my skin seething in tremendous pain and actually I win it. Next day I am introduced to next level tougher then last and my every struggle is tossed in to box of vain. You ask me to fight my new self by assuming it as a evil ghost, what if I am in love with evil ghost? Well why I shouldn't be in love with it? It was there for me when no one else was. Helped me to cope with my miserable broken self. Caressed my face and wiped my tears away when I was moping and wallowing at 3:am on floor of my stinky washroom. Tucked me to bed when I was ready to bear pain in every joint of my body by sleeping myself away on cold floor of my room. Why I should go back to my older self when it is the root cause of my present self I detest. Have I would not been bubbly and chirpy self I wouldn't have been taken advantage of. Have I wouldn't been a person with loving and compassionate heart I would have not been one nursing the crevices of broken heart. How could I betray my present self for that treacherous past self? My present is my armour that protects me from already suffered blows of my past loving self. How can you ask me to shed my armour off and subject my self again to that cruelty? Sorry, I am gone past through stage of being sane. Insanity is the only virtue trailing my wrecked boat like life towards the horizon of life.